This is How Your Major Writes.

Why, yes, this will be full of stereotypes.

Having about 2 years of writing tutor experience under my belt, I have come across common... themes between certain college majors.  I have taken this experience and compiled a sort of "catalogue" of majors at Bethel University and how they write.  Oh, this will be so fun.

ART MAJORS:

Art majors come to the writing center rarely, because art majors rarely write.  If I remember correctly, in one, upper-level art course, they need to write a paper about...texture.  Or something.  So you might see the occasional art major popping in the into the writing center for said paper, or for a theology paper that they are nervous about.  Art majors tend to think that because they are labeled as an "art" major, that that is synonymous with what Wordsworth would call a "spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings."  Perhaps to compensate for the fact that their pottery degree may have them living in a box some day, they feel the need to prove that at the very least, they can write like a preteen girl. "The dripping red droplets of pigment mixed with the oozing, pulsating crimson shadings of the lower lip tempted the lushness of the upstrokes of the leaves."  Writing, thy name is Chicken Soup.

NURSING MAJORS:

These gals try hard in everything they do, let me tell you.  ((Side note: Yes, I said gals because I have only encountered female nursing majors.  I'm sure males exist, but they are not a part of this study.))  If you are a nursing major at Bethel University, you eat, sleep, and drink never.  All they do is memorize bone and muscle group names all day, so that by the time they actually have to sit down and write a paper, they have no idea how to not incorporate all of these terms that they have learned.  Their voice is nonexistent behind the bombardment of tetrasyllabled words that sound like Darwin had a seizure all over the page. "Clinical researchers have recommended using intradermal lidocaine to reduce the discomfort of iv initiation, often calling it the gold standard of local anesthetics."  Most often when dealing with nursing majors in the writing center, I say something to the extent of, "I hope you know what you're talking about, because I sure don't."  Their papers are, on average 300 pages long, and they want you to read through the whole thing in one 45 minute session.

SCIENCE MAJORS:

Science majors do not come to the writing center, because they think they know how to write perfectly.  Some of them are probably right about this.  Most of them are very, very wrong.

ATHLETIC TRAINING MAJORS:

My green correcting pen runs out of ink with athletic training majors.  They write how they talk, and they don't talk so good, neither.  Here, I try to say things like, "Try to be a little less redundant," or, "Consider your semicolon use, here," when in reality I want to say, "You are saying 'sport' every other word," or "Do you know anything about punctuation?  Get smarter!#!$@"
"I watched this one basketball game to see if the players were stressed before and after the game.  I think they were, but you can't really tell.  I mean, they could have been stressed, cause they were looking kind of nervous, but I didn't get to ask them so maybe this is a dumb research assignment."  Yeah, man.

ENGLISH MAJORS:

Note: English majors.  Sans "Education."  English majors come to the writing center because they realize that even though they will get straight "A's" on every paper they ever turn in to any professor at Bethel, any writer at any level can use a proof reader.  God bless you, English majors.  You and your over-analness.


COLLEGE WRITING FRESHMEN:

This isn't a major, per se, but is a category nonetheless.  These students preface their writing center visit with, "The prof is making us do this," to which I sweetly reply, "Well, anyone can use a second set of eyes!"  What I really feel like saying is, "Well, if you don't want to be here, then just leave.  You're not going to listen to any of the advice I give or write on your paper.  Instead you will just nod in agreement until I ask you if you have any other questions.  To which you will reply, 'Naw, that looks good!' and dash out of the room before I can sign off on your 'proof of attendence' sheet."

COMMUNICATION MAJORS:

Much like most things communication majors do, their writing is at about a 9th grade level.  ...I don't understand how you get degrees to learn how to talk and write good without actually learning how to talk and write good.


THEOLOGY MAJORS:

Theology majors make me feel ashamed and insignificant because of their beautiful writing.  Honestly.  I feel bad that I can offer them close to zero suggestions on how to make their paper better, with two exceptions: the Hippie Jesus theology majors, and the King James theology majors.  The Hippie Jesus theology majors makes you feel like you just took an acid trip with Saint Peter.  Their papers can be summed up as, "Yeah, man, God loves us, man."  King James theology majors need to take out the "thous" and "therefores" and stop trying to rewrite the letters to the Ephesians.  Take a deep breath, theology majors.  Exegesis wasn't exegesied in a day.

ELEMENTARY EDUCATION MAJORS:

If I bit into an education major's paper, it would taste like sugar coated ...(expletive).  Did you ever wonder why your elementary school teachers gave you extra credit if you made a poster or PowerPoint to go along with your presentation?  It was because that's how they survived college, and it brings back good memories.  Sadly, though, most Bethel professors won't accept papers with charts of how much mucus a 4 year old will produce on average, so this requires the education major to try and put their magazine cutting, glitter gluing powers aside in hopes of finding equally sparkly vocabulary.  If their professors are as impressed by shiny words as they are shiny objects, then education majors probably do just fine.  But don't let anyone ever ever tell you that "Oh, English Lit and English Ed are practically the same thing.  We take some of the same classes, so yeah."  No.


This is all I have energy for at the moment, but I hope you have enjoyed my slightly-biased look into how certain majors at Bethel University write.